The You of My Song: Notes from a Voluntary Exile

I intended to introduce you Robert Fisk this morning, but this journalist who has given us the finest, most reliable Middle East coverage for decades will have to wait till next time. Breaking news demands our attention.

According to Madrid’s El Mundo newspaper this morning, Sal Emergui, their correspondent in Jerusalem, filed the following report yesterday: “The United States and Israel are daily forging an alliance to confront Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadineyad’s nuclear project, but the pistachio question has provoked certain differences. This is not a joke. The Bush government has protested to Israel through various channels accusing them of consuming large quantities of Iranian pistachios.” (My translation.)

A quick tour of the online newspapers indicates, however that the issue is not as clear as it seems. According to Reuters from Jerusalem, “Israel Seeks U.S. Help to Fight Iranian Pistachios.” This version has Israel initiating the crisis, asking for U.S. help in “cracking down on illegal pistachio nut imports from Iran.”

The Israeli news site, Ynetnews.com, adds an interesting twist: “Washington Displeased with Nuts Smuggled to Turkey from Tehran and Imported to Jewish State.” According to this news source the current tense international pistachio situation is due, at bottom, to the fact that Iran is the world’s largest producer of pistachio nuts, and Israel is their biggest importer. The Ynetnews reporter, Itamar Eichner, quotes Zvi Alon, senior deputy-director (foreign trade) of the Ministry of Agriculture and Rural Development: “We all know what the Israelis like to do on Friday night in front of their television sets. The Israelis just love their pistachio nuts.”

The International Herald Tribune contributes a more sinister note to the discussion: “California is the second largest producer of pistachios in the world, according to the former California Pistachio Coalition. Iran is first. ‘As a proud native of the golden state (California) I think Israelis should eat American pistachios, not Iranian ones,’ said Steward Tuttle, spokesman for the U.S. Embassy in Tel Aviv.” So, what this is really about is an American black-ops effort to eliminate Iranian competition for California nuts? If so, the implications are terrifying. California not only produces pistachios. They also grow walnuts and almonds? Does this mean that Spanish growers of these nuts could be next on the American hit list? California also has a formidable aviation industry. Does that mean that Toulouse, France, the home of the European Airbus factory, might also be a potential target. Is the nuclear option on the table? Could the Iranian-Israeli pistachio crisis give rise to a catastrophic domino effect? The possibilities are mind boggling.

Insofar as California is not a significant producer of crumpets, presumably London and the “special relationship” are not in jeopardy.

I don’t suppose that it has occurred to any of the Pentgon’s top minds that it might be a good idea just to look the other way while Israeli families indulge in the Friday-night Iranian-pistachio munch ups, in the interest of world peace.

Let’s give equal time to the Iranian PressTV news service: “Israel is trying to block the illegal flow of Iranian pistachio to its markets as a desperate move against Iran’s peaceful nuclear program.”

And this pistachio flavored brouhaha is not a joke? You could have fooled me. Meanwhile, you might consider digging your bomb shelter a little deeper, just in case.